


You Know Me Better

by This_is_Riri



Category: High School Musical (Movies), High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Lies, Multi, Mutual Pining, Rina - Freeform, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21938164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_is_Riri/pseuds/This_is_Riri
Summary: Gina was moving. This would be her sixth move in seven years. She was used to it by now...only this time, it felt different.Post episode 7.
Relationships: Big Red & Ricky Bowen (HSM: The Series), Gina Porter & Nini Salazar-Roberts, Gina Porter/E.J. Caswell, Ricky Bowen & Gina Porter, Ricky Bowen & Nini Salazar-Roberts, Ricky Bowen/Gina Porter, Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 16
Kudos: 116





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write this fic before the show broke my heart and did what's predictable. 
> 
> I love this ship more than Rini...there I said it.
> 
> I don't know if I'll continue yet, but this was stuck in my head so I decided to write it down.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gina comes clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being the Rina shipper that I am I decided to write this. I hope you all enjoy.

_Where do you feel the most comfortable?_

**In the theatre**.

She never felt more at home than when she did on stage, it was her entire world. Yes, it was as pathetic as it sounded, but it was true. She's changed schools five times in seven years which meant aside from her mom, it was her only constant. Getting tied up in relationships wasn't really her thing so she tended to keep her distance from people all together just so she wouldn't get attached.

She never got to keep them anyway.

She wasn't sure how she allowed herself to forget that because if she didn't, she wouldn't be trying to stay hidden right now. Partially hidden actually, at the back of the auditorium, in the exact same spot Troy hid, watching her team rehearse without her.

The realization made this so much harder. She's never been a part of a team before and now it was the craziest thing; she finally understood what Gabriella was talking about when she said Troy made her feel like it was Kindergarten. Just like her, Gabriella never had a team before until she met Troy, he gave her the freedom to be herself, whoever that turned out to be, and she finally got it...now so did Gina.

The only difference was that Gabriella got to keep her team.

She quickly ducked behind the wall when Ricky happened to turn his head. She wasn't even sure if he was turning to look in her direction, but she couldn't risk it. She's been watching him more than anyone else which, thinking about it now, made her feel like a creep. She still felt guilty about how she treated him the other night at Ashlyn's house when he was only trying to comfort her. And Ricky got what it was like to have problems at home. He even opened up a little bit to her that night and yet when he offered her the same deal, her default setting was to put her walls back up.

He was the only one to break them down in the first place, so this felt like taking a step backwards, and it made her feel like garbage. She wanted to apologize before she moved again, she really did. It was just that this wasn't what she did. She didn't get close to people and she definitely didn't allow herself to feel things like guilt to a point where it kept her up at night. But she was going to apologize once she found the right words. She just couldn't let him see her until then.

_"The wildcat superstar's afraid? "_

_"No! No, I'm not afraid, I...I'm just...scared."_

"Me too," Gina whispered as a stray tear fell from her eyes.

Her guilt about Ricky aside, this production meant a lot to her. She was finally okay with playing Taylor that she put her heart and soul into the character only to have the rug pulled from under her, and then be replaced before She even left. It wasn't fair.

"That's a wrap for today people," Carlos yelled from the stage and she balled her hands into fists to keep them from shaking as it all sank in; then she picked up her discarded backpack from the floor, wiped away her tears with trembling fingers...and walked out the back exit.

Ricky saw her.

She thought she was being so stealthy, but he did. The last time they talked was at Ashlyn's party about a week ago when he tried to help and she flat out rejected him. He wasn't bitter about it. These days being rejected by girls he liked was commonplace for him. Not that he liked Gina, not _romantically_ anyway, but she was his friend and he wanted to help. She just didn't want him to.

He initially thought she was kidding when she said she didn't see the point in him calling her anymore. Like it was one of those things people say in the heat of the moment, but don't really mean. He thought she meant it like that, so he gave her time to cool off, but when he tried calling her the next morning, she blocked his number.

Yeah, so friendship was just as fickle as romance apparently.

The point was, he just really wanted to talk to her and let her know that he was still here. He wasn't going anywhere.

The sound of Carlos' voice pulled him out of his head as he called it a wrap and Big Red walked up to him. "You okay, man?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. I've just got...a lot on my mind."

"And by 'a lot' do you mean Gina?"

He was worried about him. He's been mopey since they found out that she was moving again, which was weird because Ricky usually reserved his brooding for all things Nini. It was like stepping into the twilight zone and it freaked him out a little bit.

"I just don't get it. Why won't she talk to me?" He sighed and took off the Troy wig Carlos asked him to put on at the start of rehearsal so he could "get a feel for Troy", whatever that meant. According to Miss Jenn, he wasn't on his A-game today and really needed to put himself in Troy's shoes. He thought he knew exactly how his character felt since in HSM 3: Senior Year, Gabriella got early admission into Stanford and left. Also, there was that incident where he unintentionally betrayed her trust in the first movie.

Real or not, he was sure it sucked all the same.

"Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all." Big Red pointed out, "Did you ever stop to think that maybe she's coping with this the only way she knows how? You told me yourself that she has a hard time making friends. Imagine what it must be like for her to think that she's losing us."

"But she's not."

"Doesn't mean she's not feeling that way, dude."

He had a point. It probably didn't help that she had to see that they replaced her character so quickly either. Don't get him wrong, Kourtney was great. She had one of those amazing voices that demanded attention, and the fact that her and Nini were already best friends helped with their chemistry...but she wasn't Gina.

"I gotta go."

Big Red had this way of knocking sense into him without even trying. There were times he felt like he was only living vicariously through his best friend, maybe even in his shadow a little bit, but as he watched Ricky jump off the stage and run towards the back exit he knew that this was his superpower.

_"I made a mistake, Miss Montez, and I would really like to let Gabriella know that. Could you tell her that I came by to see her?"_

_She smiled, "I will...Troy. Good night."_

_"Good night." He said, "Thank you."_

The door opened not long after he knocked, and her mom greeted him.

"Hi, Miss Porter. I'm Ricky Bowen."

"You're the boy that brought Gina home after Homecoming." She smiled, "Thank you for that."

She didn't need to thank him. Everything that happened that night was what catapulted them where they were now. It caused him to finally step out of his own little world, and for that he would always be grateful.

"It was no big thing." He settled on the response. "Is Gina home?"

"She's busy packing in her room right now, but..." she had no delusions about her daughters state of mind at the moment, after all, they've been doing this for seven years. Working for FEMA wasn't the easiest thing in the world, but she truly believed it was her calling to help people. Gina understood that, but still, it took its toll at times.

That's why she felt it was important for her to get closure, even though she explicitly asked her not to get involved.

"...would you like to come in, Ricky?"

He nodded, "Yes, ma'am."

The boxes and the almost empty living room were the first things he noticed when she let him in, and it finally hit him for the first time: she was really leaving. It was fine being in denial when they were talking about it, not even her absence at rehearsal made it quite as real as this, but as he walked further into the house he remembered what it was like when his mom left.

It felt just as suffocating.

"Gina's room is straight ahead. The first door to the left."

He vaguely heard her say, but he wasn't sure he thanked her. It was too late anyway because she was gone by the time he remembered how he was raised and turned to face her. He decided he'd thank her when he left and swallowed the lump in his throat as he walked towards Gina's room.

Her door opened before he could knock and immediately saw the fury in her eyes when she eyed him.

"I can't believe she let you in here," she mumbled before she walked back inside and left the door ajar for him to follow her.

"You could hear us?" he asked, then quickly shut his eyes in frustration. He couldn't believe that was the first thing he thought to say to her.

She scoffed, "Its not a big house. Plus, the walls are thin."

He nodded as he looked around her empty room and tried to ignore the boxes full of her stuff that reminded him of the reality of their situation. The walls were bare, and other than her bed, they were the only thing that stood out in the room.

"Well...it's very homey." He said when he turned to her again, and immediately felt like an idiot.

Why did he _say_ that?

She crossed her arms and lifted an eyebrow. What was _that_ supposed to mean?

"Is that fancy speak for 'small'?"

"No! I mean...it's-"

"-Empty, Ricky. It's empty. Like it was when we first got here a few months ago, and like it will be once we're gone. It's not...'homey'" she quoted him. "It's cold and it's empty."

She was getting worked up again. The first time it happened her mom found her curled up in her bed, crying her eyes out and she wasn't ready to do that again. He wasn't even supposed to be here!

She didn't realize she was shaking again until he was standing really close to her with his fingers laced through hers to help keep her steady. Up close his eyes were red and she wondered if he'd been crying too.

But he was apologizing before she could ask, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispered over and over again. That did her in...she started crying again so he hugged her. It was what friends did to comfort each other when times got hard, yet it felt strange to her. The entire concept was foreign to her so instead of embracing it, she pulled away because she didn't deserve to have him comfort her, not after everything she did.

So, she took a cue from EJ because the right words were never gonna come. That was just something she told herself to stall the inevitable.

"Whats wrong?" he asked.

He looked hurt and the guilt settled in her stomach again as she said, "I'm sorry, Ricky. I never should've-"

"No no, it's all good." He didn't realize she was beating herself up over it, but Big Red was right. It was her coping mechanism, to protect herself. "Listen Gina, I want you to know that we're not _replacing_ you in the show. I already feel like I lost my mom to her new life, but I refuse to lose you too."

She'd been so caught up that she forgot he was hurting too.

"How are you dealing with that?"

"I called her on Thanksgiving, and she seemed happy to hear from me."

"Of course, she was happy to hear from you. You're her son." She said and took a hold of his hand so she could feel his warmth. She was still going to tell him everything, but...she needed this one last time. "I doubt there's anything that would ever change how she feels about you."

He really missed this. The past few days had been torture and...he _really_ missed her.

He squeezed her hand, "Does this mean you're going to stop avoiding me at school now?"

This was her chance. She had to get this out before she chickened out again...

"That's up to you." She started and her heart started pounding erratically against her chest. She looked down at their hands and tried to breathe before she looked up at him again and asked, "Do you remember when Nini lost her phone?"

He stiffened, "You mean when EJ stole it from her bag?"

"No. I mean w-when _I_ stole it from her bag and gave it to him."

It was instantaneous.

Her world stopped turning the moment he let go of her hand and put distance between them. It was the strangest thing: she always believed that the theatre was her world. It was where she felt the most comfortable and being on that stage got her as close to feeling at home as she could ever imagine.

But as she saw the pain and shock in Ricky's eyes, she wondered when that changed.


	2. All Too Familiar

_What's your biggest regret?_   
**...**

_"Gabriella is not important. I'll forget about her..."_

She told him everything. She told him about how she wanted to play Gabriella so badly that she convinced him to join the show at the skate park in hopes that Nini would quit; about how she stole her phone to convince E.J. that they needed to work together to get what they wanted, and she told him the reason she took E.J. to Homecoming, granted that one wasn't well thought out...

Then she watched as she lost her only friend.

She didn't even stop him when he brushed past her and walked out of her room. The sound of the door slamming shut was so familiar that it kept her frozen in place as she shut her eyes and remembered her dad leaving the same way.

It was eight years ago, and her parents fought a lot back then. After he left she found her mom crying in their room. _Her_ room? Since his stuff was gone it wasn't really _their_ anything anymore. 

That took a while to get used to.

It took Gina a while to get used to a lot of things.  
  
Her mom cried for two weeks straight...then one day she stopped. It was a Sunday when she got out of bed, took a shower and made breakfast,one of the few things Gina got used to doing for herself at seven years old, but whatever. She finally pulled herself together long enough to remember that she had a daugther. "You're not gonna raise yourself, baby," she told her after Gina found her standing in front of the stove flipping eggs. "I can't keep crying over someone who's already walked out the door."

Gina supposed she was right, but it still scarred her deeply when she realized something: Her dad left her mom just like Ricky left her.

They were the problem. 

The only difference was Ricky was still around. 

She wiped away the stray tears falling on her cheeks as she reached for her phone and scrolled through her contacts. She found the number easily enough and hit dial before she lost her nerve.

She's never called her before. The only reason she even had her number was because Miss Jenn insisted on it. Something about the importance of always being able to connect with their fellow cast mates. That's what she thought anyway. She wasn't really paying attention that day. Funny how it was saving her ass now, wasn't it?

She was taking forever to answer though. 

It wasn't that she was impatient or anything, but how long did it take to answer the stupid ph-

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Gina."

"Hey. Is everything okay?" They weren't pen pals, of course she would assume the only reason she would call her was because something was up. She wasn't wrong.

"Yeah. Uh, can you please text me when Ricky gets there?" Because of course that's where he was headed. He was stuck on that girl the same way cling wrap was to itself before she ever got to use it.

"He's coming here? But why? What's going on? What happened?"

"Look, I'd really like to give you the run down of how badly I screwed up, Nini, but honestly you were there." She snapped. She didn't mean to. They were finally in a good place and she got that Nini was concerned, but her onslaught of questions wasn't helping with the sudden migraine. "Will you text me or not?"

"Uh...sure."

"Thanks, and Nini?"

"Yeah?"

"I'd really appreciate it if this stayed between us. I just want to make sure he's safe. He's pretty upset."

"Don't worry about it."

"Thanks. Goodnight, Nini."

"Goodnight, Gina."

Nini would take care of him. She was exactly who he needed to forget about her. That was the whole point. This way he would be free to finally move on.

So would she. She was going to start over... _again_.

...and she was fine. 

She just couldn't do anything about the sob that slipped past her lips as soon as she hung up. Or the frightening feeling of the walls closing in while she fell on her knees and wailed. She was her mother's daughter after all.

* * *

Ricky didn't go to Nini's house. He thought about it. Sometimes all he thinks about is going to Nini's house, but he couldn't because...Nini just wanted to be friends.

He found himself at East High instead.

He broke in (he's not proud of it, but here he is), then he made his way onto the roof and just stood there watching the world before him...thinking about _her_.

_"I made you something."_

The red hat.

He pulled it out of his jacket pocket and put it on. The cold wind felt like razers against his skin the longer he was there with his hat keeping him warm. 

She really was good at everything. 

_"I mean, that's what happens when you have the whole house to yourself. And Youtube."_

Her smile was imprinted in his brain and- _Fuck!_ He needed to stop thinking about her.

God, how could she do this?!

And they were good. They were _**so good**_...but she was manipulating him so was it even real?

...and this _stupid hat_ , smelled like her.

"Ricky!"

"What?!" He snapped and turned around to find Big Red standing near the stairs. His face was pale and he looked worried about him as he asked, "You doing okay, buddy?"  
  
He shrugged, "Just dandy. Why do you ask?"

"Well, for one thing it's-" he checked his watch, trying to avoid the fact that it was so cold that they could see their breaths, "-about 1 am, it's cold as balls and we're standing on the roof of our school after I just witnessed you attempt to toss that hat off the edge."

He was wringing it in his hands. He hadn't even noticed that he took it off, or how late it is.

And...he was _definitely_ gonna die. His dad was gonna kill him for this one...or at the very least ground him until he's forty. It was honestly a gamble at this point.

_That_ surprisingly wasn't his immediate concern because his friend was shivering. His coat didn't look like it was doing much to warm him up and he would probably rather be in bed instead of saving him from the brink of insanity in the middle of the night.

"What are you doing here, Red? You hate the cold."

"First, thanks for the newsflash. And second, let's just say someone really special to you woke me up in the middle of the night and demanded I look for you when you didn't tell anyone where you were going."

* * *

Nini never texted. Gina never slept. She knew too well what happens to someone she loves while she sleeps at night. Her father was darkness' last victim...so she waited two hours (it was the best she could do) before she called Red. There was nothing "Big" about him so she refused to use that word. 

He picked up on the fifth ring and mumbled incoherently into the speaker.

She woke him up. She didn't realize, and it was obviously crazy of her to think that just because she was awake that everybody else was too. So she apologized.

"Sorry. I'm sorry, Red. I didn't mean to wake you, but Nini never texted me and I'm kinda freaking out because it's the middle of the night and it's probably freezing cold outside so-"

"Whoawhoawhoa, wait- Gina?" No, _that_ woke him up. She's also never called him either because God! She was so bad at this. How did she do it with Ricky again?

Ah. Homecoming...also, not the time to be thinking about _that_ particular night.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? What's going on? And please try to keep the rambling and high pitched screeching at a minimum? My brain hasn't caught up to the fact that I'm awake now."

Was she not making sense? She hadn't noticed. So she tried again.

"It's Ricky..." she told him what happened. 

She left out that she was worried to a point where it was suffocating her. She didn't tell him that she's been here before. She knew it well. That feeling like she was being slowly choked out while at the same time feeling numb? She knew it well.

"I'm sure Ricky's fine." He tried to reassure her. Her mom once did too.

_"I'm sure he's happy wherever he is."_

_"...He would want to see **me**."_

She shook her head. Her blankets were drowning her instead of keeping her warm. She had to push them off. She had to breathe otherwise the memories might just kill her. 

"Gina? Are you okay?"

She really wasn't.

She was a part of a family that leaves...she should've known better than to get involved with Ricky.

She was his trigger...so was he.

"Just go look, Red. _Please_."

He hated the cold. She knew. It was one of the things that made Ricky so amazing to her. He could never shut up about what great friends he has. 

So it didn't surprise her that Red went anyway.

* * *

"Was it Nini?" It was word vomit. The question was out of his mouth before he could stop himself. Like a reflex.

"You know what? It doesn't matter. I didn't realize how late it is. Let's just go home."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not even if you paid me. There's just no point in us freezing our butts off out here for nothing, right?"

It wasn't for nothing, and Big Red didn't like how he said it either. Like that's what it actually was when he knew about the red hat he was ready to throw away not too long ago. But he could comment on his best friend's emotional baggage in broad daylight.

Ricky walked behind him as they left the school. 

He put the red hat back in his pocket.

* * *

_**Red: I took him home.** _

She breathed a little better when she saw his text. 

She even slept for a few hours. It was a restless sleep, but that was whatever. He was safe.

* * *

_Gina?_

**Yeah?**

_What's your biggest regret?_

**...Not making them stay.**


	3. Already Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's trying to move on...he won't let her.

_What happens now?_

**…now I move on.**

Always being alone for five years (going on six), Gina never knew what it was like to have someone go to bat for her or to have someone stand up for her when she couldn’t do it for herself. She didn’t have the slightest idea of what that looked like, so imagine her surprise when she found herself in Miss Jenn’s office this morning listening to her aforementioned teacher and Kourtney passionately discuss her (previously non-existent) future in the play, and at the school in general.

The sound of Miss Jenn’s fingers frantically tapping away at her keyboard helped. It helped her drown out her thoughts of Ricky. Last night. And the dreams that wouldn’t let her sleep.

_I wonder if they can see the dark circles under my eyes._

The thought crept in without consent and she found herself turning her head slightly to the right to try catch a glimpse of herself through Miss Jenn’s window. She did her best to cover them up with her mom’s concealer. Thank God she was a heavy sleeper and didn’t catch her swiping her make-up bag from her purse. Her mom thought she “wasn’t ready” for make-up (whatever that meant), even though she was fifteen. So sometimes, and she wasn’t proud of this, she would sometimes steal it from her mom’s room. Not that she ever noticed. Once she even emptied out some of her foundation just to see what would happen. But nothing, nada, zilch, zero. And today was no different.

Miss Jenn was still tapping away on her computer when she turned back to look at them and Kourtney was standing behind her peeking over her shoulder at the screen as they ping-ponged phrases like “day after tomorrow”, “club meeting” and “cast vote”. She wished she could string all those words together to try and make sense of what they were talking about, but it felt like so many things were happening at once, like her brain was in a storm of thoughts she couldn’t seem to settle.

It’s how Kourtney got the jump on her.

She’d just gotten off the bus thinking about her mother’s attempt at conversation in the kitchen this morning: it was empty too…basically, with the wooden dining table that came with the house still right there in the middle. But it was naked now because her mom packed up the floral tablecloth they bought to cover up the white paint peeling off the wood. It was in a box now, in the corner of the room by the door just waiting to be taped up and shoved in the back of a U-Haul (shoved with care though because there were glasses and dinner sets in there).

Anyway, her mom was trying to talk to her, and it was awkward because she could tell she wanted to ask her about what happened with Ricky last night even though she didn’t come right out and say it.

So, this was how the conversation went at the breakfast table instead:

Mrs. Porter: Morning baby

Gina: Hey

Silence…

Mrs. Porter: So your friend seemed nice…

More silence…

Mrs. Porter: Do you want some eggs?

Gina: Cereal is fine.

And even more silence, then…

Mrs. Porter: …Are you mad at me?

When she asked that Gina looked up from her bowl and locked eyes with her mother. She could still hear the echoes of the door slamming with Ricky’s exit and realised that her mother was there too. She was in the kitchen, but still…she heard that door slam as much as she did, and Gina wondered if she got triggered too.

Gina: *Sighs* I’m mad at myself.

Mrs. Porter: We all make mistakes, Gina. They’re part of life. What matters is what you do after?

It didn’t surprise her that her mother said that…it’s like she told Ricky: The walls were thin.

Even more silence followed that. They ate. Her mom didn’t notice the make-up on her face and they eventually headed for the door to start their respective days, but her mom had one last thing to say.

Mrs. Porter: I have some time this morning. I could drop you off.

Gina: I’ll take the bus. (sees sadness in her mom’s eyes) …but you can pick me up if you want.

Mrs. Porter: I’ll be there.

So that’s what she was thinking about as she stepped off the bus. That’s how Kourtney got the jump on her and dragged her ass to Miss Jenn’s office by her backpack strap.

“Gina!” That was Kourtney.

“What?” she asked trying to hide her confusion. She caught a glimpse of Miss Jenn looking concerned. The tapping stopped and they both zeroed in on her as if they were waiting for her to respond to a question. She just wished she knew what the question was.

“So you'll do it?” Kourtney asked eagerly. Her eyes were shining with so much excitement that Gina was sure she’d start bouncing off the walls.

“uh…probably?” She wasn’t sure how to respond to Energizer Kourtney right now. “But just in case though could you run that past me again?”

“You poor thing. The move must really be stressing you out, huh?” Miss Jenn cut in. It was the pity she could hear in her teacher’s voice that made her squirm in her seat uncomfortably. It was starting: the looks of pity, the sideways tilted heads and slightly downturned lips all made her skin itch, but she wasn’t trying to start scratching herself in her drama teacher’s office. Also, she hoped that was a rhetorical question because she had no idea what she was supposed to say to that. Luckily Miss Jenn seemed to realise the same thing and said, “What am I saying? I’m so sorry, Gina.”.

“It’s okay.” It wasn’t her fault she was moving. This was her life.

“Any-way” Kourtney said slowly when Gina started picking at her nails, again, to keep from scratching herself. “A few of us were thinking about opening night…”

She looked up when Kourtney suddenly stopped. When they locked eyes, Gina realised that she was trying to gauge her reaction. She wondered what she saw in her eyes, whether she could see the exhaustion there, but if she did Gina couldn’t tell.

“…it’s two days after you leave” she said. That was the thing about being in drama club: bad news spread like wildfire. In fact, she was sure everybody already knew by the time she walked out the door at Ashlyn’s party.

Still, Kourtney wasn’t getting to the point…

“What’s going on, Kourt?”

“A few of us were th-“

“You already said that.”

“No, I was gonna say we proposed moving up opening night.” Kourtney said about to bounce off the walls again while Gina’s bottom lip dropped open in just…so much shock.

“Yes, Kourtney pitched the idea to me two days ago.” Miss Jenn took over. “She took it upon herself to get everyone together and we all voted to move up the date.”

_What?!_ She wanted to scream, but her mouth was still hanging open and her throat went dry. They couldn’t do this, could they?

Miss Jenn said they all voted to move up the date. Which meant it was unanimous, which meant Ricky voted too.

But that was before…

Kourtney must’ve noticed her hesitation (and physical inability to answer) because she told her “You’re Taylor, Gina. Not me.”

And while Gina was grateful and wanted so badly to be just as bouncing off the walls excited as Kourtney, she’s also been down this street before. “Hope street” she called it in her head. She used to love going down Hope street. It was always brightly lit, warm and she always found herself smiling more. But Hope street had a dead end that always forced her to turn left into Disappointment Avenue: It was everything Hope street was not and unlike Hope street, it seemed to go on forever.

So when she eventually found her voice again there was only one thing to say…

* * *

“Ricky! Where are you going?”

That’s the last thing he heard Carlos say as he walked out in the middle of rehearsal after school. Gina wasn’t hiding near the back exit watching them this time. He was certain of that. He just hoped that she hadn’t gone home already because he wasn’t quite ready to face her mom yet after slamming her door shut like that.

Last night kinda felt like a fever dream. On the one hand, her absence in rehearsal made it abundantly clear that this was really happening; she was really leaving, which meant they really fought last night and he really stormed out of her house. But…on the other hand, his brain could trick him into thinking that it was all just a figment of his imagination. That he wasn’t really living out what he now knew was one of his worst fears. This whole mess was a nightmare. A fever dream…

He just needed to wake up…

“Yeah, mom. I’m on my way.” He barely heard her voice, but h saw her the very next second. She was walking towards the exit while she talked on the phone, so he took off after her.

So many things were racing through his mind as his sneakers pounded against the concrete. Like how his dad grounded him for staying out so late. He’d called him irresponsible and selfish; “You’re just like your mom” he’d shouted while Ricky sat on their couch and took it, and while he knew it was mostly the hurt, anger and worry talking, Ricky also knew there was some truth in his words (they seeped through the cracked parts of himself his dad was so desperate to keep hidden).

That’s why his dad went quiet as soon as he said it.

“I didn’t mean that” his dad said after a while, but that was a lie and they both knew it.

But Ricky let him off the hook anyway, “It’s fine, Dad and I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” His dad responded and the anger seemed to vacate his body with a sigh, so he decided to sit down next to his son. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on with you?” he asked, and Ricky told him everything.

They talked until they fell asleep right there on the couch and his alarm clock went off this morning, reminding him that he had school. He woke up surprisingly refreshed for someone who only slept for four hours and he remembered everything his dad told him last night (this morning?). But what stuck with him was everything his dad didn’t say. When his mom left his dad told him they’d “get through it” and that “all they needed was each other,” which were nice words to hear, but they also sounded like those motivational bumper stickers that he would see sometimes. He noticed that they were absent in his dad’s talk about “change” this time. It felt like, for the first time, he was finally being candid with him instead of talking to him like he was a kid.

He appreciated it, but it frustrated him because he knew exactly what his dad was telling him without even saying it, “You’ve gotta handle this one on your own, son.”

So, when Miss Jenn told them that Gina “decided not to continue with the play,” he snapped, and stormed out.

Hence the chasing.

“Gina!” He called to her, and she heard him. He knew because their eyes connected for a brief second before the door swung shut behind her. Because this was becoming a pattern for them.

She was standing by the sidewalk waiting for him by the time he made it outside and, maybe he was imagining it, but he thought he saw a faint smile on her lips. She also looked tired. He knew that women weren’t fans of being told that, so he kept it to himself, but still it made him wonder if she slept at all.

_“Someone really special to you woke me up in the middle of the night and demanded I look for you…”_

Red had told him, and he’d thought it was Nini…

“Hey” she said shyly. He didn’t think Gina Porter had a shy bone in her body and it made him smile a little bit to think that maybe she was shy because of him.

“What? Why are you smiling at me like that?” she asked when she caught him, and he shook his head.

“Nothing. Just glad to see you.” He told her to which she lifted a sceptical eyebrow. He didn’t blame her.

“Really? Cause after last night I was sure you’d never want to talk to me again.” She tried not to sound sad about it, but come on…who was she fooling?

A car pulled up next to them as Ricky stepped closer to tell her something (he wasn’t sure what yet) and they turned to see Mrs. Porter in the driver’s seat of her 2013 Ford Fiesta.

“Hey kids.” She greeted cheerfully when she saw them together and even threw in a wave that Ricky thought she might burst with how giddy she was.

“Hey, Mrs. Porter.” He waved back.

“Hey mom, could you give us a sec?” Gina asked, took a hold of his wrist and pulled him further away from her mom once she told them to take their time.

“Okay, so I’m just gonna get this out before I lose my nerve.” Gina said, so Ricky waited.

“I’m really sorry for manipulating you. You were right when you called me out on it. Truth is, after you stopped being a means to an end for me…it became hard to admit that’s what I was doing.” She said, but she wasn’t finished yet. Ricky knew this so he waited some more…

“And I wasn’t going to apologize to you or say any of this if you hadn’t chased me down just now because I’m trying to make my brain believe that I’m not even here anymore, that I’ve moved on already…and that makes me feel like such a shitty person, Ricky. I’m a shitty person.”

There were tears in her eyes now and she was breathing hard because that looked like it took the life out of her. Maybe it did.

“I don’t think you’re a shitty person, Gina. I just think you’re a coward.” He finally said, and that stung. He could tell because she didn’t even try to hide the hurt in her eyes, but he wasn’t going to take it back. It was the truth and she needed to hear it.

When she nodded her tears rolled down her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away. “Well…” she said, but her voice was hoarse, so she cleared her throat. “…that’s all I wanted to say so I’ll see you around Ricky.”

She only took two steps away from him before he grabbed her hand and asked, “Why won’t you do the play, Gina?”

“Because I can’t.” she said.

She was staring at their hands.

“Yes, you can.” He told her.

“I can’t, Ricky.” Then she looked up at him, “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

He waited…and waited some more, but she didn’t say anything. She just looked back down and the hands and pulled hers away.

Then she put some distance between them.

“My mom’s waiting for me so…I should go help her pack.” She finally said.

“It’s like I said…coward.” He said when she’d taken a few steps away from him again and she whipped her head around so fast he was scared she would sprain her neck.

“You don’t get to call me a coward when you barely even know me.” She’d marched right back to him and got in his face now shoving him with each word. “You have no idea, Ricky. You have no idea what it’s like to not have a home…to not have any friends.”

She was done crying though and all he could see was the burning rage in her eyes.

Because this was becoming a pattern for them too.

“You do have friends, Gina!” she was making him crazy too now, “And don’t you dare say I don’t know you when I probably know you better than you know yourself.”

“Oh please, you’ve known of me for about a few months now and only started talking to me a couple of weeks ago when you decided to stick your nose where it didn’t belong!” She yelled. They were drawing attention to themselves. There weren’t a lot of kids left outside, but there were enough.

Gina noticed it too, so she shook her head like she was trying to get her thoughts straight, then she told him “I have five days left…as far as I’m concerned, I’m gone already.” Then she walked away for good this time.

She left him standing there watching her retreat, wondering if this was goodbye.


	4. The Show Must Go On

_What's the best advice you've ever gotten? And from whom?_

**"There's a significant difference between being alive and living. Don't forget to live, Genie. Don't forget to live."...it was from my dad.**

Gina could feel her mom's eyes burning holes in the side of her head as she settled into the passenger seat. It was kinda like how Superman uses his heat vision on supervillains, and her skin burned the longer she stared at her. Until-

  
"What _is_ it, mom?!" She didn't snap per say, but there was enough edge in her voice that she had to check herself.

"Sorry." She mumbled when she snuck a peak at the 'I know you're upset, but I'm about to beat your ass if you use that tone with me again' look on her mom's face.

  
It melted away when she sighed and turned in her seat to get a better look at her, "Talk to me." She instructed.

  
"It's nothing, mom." 

  
She let out some air again that made it clear she was frustrated this time. "You can't keep everything bottled up inside, Genie. It's not healthy," she said and Gina almost burst into tears again right there by her school's (old school's?) sidewalk. Her dad used to call her Genie when she was little. He said it was because she granted all his wishes when she was born. 

  
Her mom never used that name. Not since- well...

  
It was like summoning Candy-man. Say his name three times and he'll show up with a thirst for blood only with her dad it was a thirst for their anguish.

  
Her mom hummed with a smile playing at her lips. Gina hasn't seen her smile like that in forever. "You know your dad used to call you that. When you were a baby he would rub your diaper while he soothed you to sleep like your bum was a magic lamp and he'd always say that once you woke up you'd grant his wishes all over again by simply opening those big beautiful brown eyes of yours that look just like his."

  
Those same eyes finally locked with her mom's for the first time since she got into the car.

  
"I didn't know that," she said in a daze and her mom held her face in her hands like she used to whenever she hurt herself as a kid. 

  
"Yeah. It's just that, after your dad left I-"

  
"-I know, mom." Gina cut her off as she held onto her wrists. She got it...he was her Candy-man.

  
Her mom smiled while she caressed her cheeks. "You remember what else he used to say, right?" She said as a grin slowly formed.

  
"Don't forget to live, Genie. Don't forget to live." Gina told her with a smile of her own. She honestly couldn't remember the last time her and her mom talked like this...

  
She chuckled now. She was even about to let go when Gina put the slightest pressure on her wrists to tell her to leave them there. She wasn't ready to let go quite yet.

  
"He always said it twice." 

  
"So I wouldn't forget."

  
Being so close she noticed her mom tear up almost instantly, "that's right, baby." She told her, but she sounded out of breath and her voice was shaking a little bit.

  
Gina tightened her grip just a little bit more. She didn't trust her own voice not to be shaking at this point so she waited for her mom to pull herself together.

  
"Genie." She finally whispered, "Your dad always said it twice so you would never forget to live...but he also said it twice so he wouldn't forget either." 

  
She knew that.

  
She knew because every year she got older her dad got sadder and the magic faded from his (big beautiful) brown eyes...up until she was seven years old when the last thing she remembered about him was the back of his head.

  
So she nodded as she started to tear up too and her mom wrapped her up in her arms. 

  
And she let her cry like a baby...

  
"Your drama teacher emailed me today." She said into her hair after a while. Gina was cradled up in her arms with her head on her chest listening to her beating heart while her mom slowly ran her hands through her curls.

  
Reluctantly, she lifted her head and looked at her with questions in her eyes, "Miss Jenn?" She asked. 

  
"Yeah." Her mom responded as she started wiping her tears away, "she said something about moving up the date of the show and wondering if I could let you off the hook, you know, packing wise."

  
So that's what all that typing was about. "Mom..."

  
She shook her head, "Now you listen to me, Gina." She said in her stern voice. Her "we're not arguing about this" voice- so Gina knew to shut up.

  
"Your dad and I promised we'd always put you first but...I think we failed you" she said while she tucked some of Gina's curls behind her ear.

  
Gina disagreed, "You didn't fail me, mom." 

  
"Then why aren't you in there?" Her mom countered, but she could only shift around uncomfortably. Her skin was starting to itch again. 

  
"Let me tell you why," she went on, "It's because you're constantly living in a state of who's next? 'Who am I going to lose next? Who else is going to decide that I'm not enough? I know because I feel those things too...but that's no way to live baby. I know it's not what your daddy wanted for you."

  
The silence stretched out between them after that. It didn't look like her mom was going to start the car any time soon and when she looked out her window the front of her school looked like a ghost town. If she listened carefully enough she swore she could hear the music seeping through the walls to get to her, calling out to her like a siren song.

  
Her dad used to tell her to never forget to live. He always said it twice. 

  
So she reached for the handle and opened the door before her brain could catch up to what she was doing.

  
Her mom didn't say anything as she got out the car. She just turned in her seat again and looked forward almost like she was saying 'You can do this. I'm not looking, see?' and Gina loved her for it.

  
It wasn't until she'd gone around the car and onto the pavement that her mom said, "and Gina?" so she turned around to face her. "Stay out of my make-up bag. Don't think I haven't noticed just because I haven't said anything. You're not ready for all that."

  
Then she started the car and drove off before Gina could even open her mouth to formulate a response. 

* * *

"Okay! Let's try that again!" Carlos yelled from stage left where he was watching them rehearse, "and Troy? Remember, you just won the big game, got the girl and kicked butt at the callbacks. So this is a happy occasion, right?"

  
Right. Yeah. He could do this.

  
It just felt weird singing about being all in this together when they were missing a key member of their team. 

  
Also he wasn't a fan of how he left things with her. He realized that he may have come across as an insensitive douche back there, and right now their argument kept replaying itself in his head. 

  
Right now he was struggling to be Troy.

  
"Are you okay?" Nini asked, like she came out of nowhere when really she's been standing right next to him this whole time. And looking at her now made it almost impossible for him to ignore her because...she looked _really_ pretty in her red dress. 

  
"Ricky?"

  
"Huh?" Crap! He had to stop staring. "I'm sorry. No- I mean...I'm fine. Thanks." He rambled and then reluctantly faced the 'audience.' Which was really just Miss Jenn watching them from the third row while taking notes.

  
"Listen, Ricky." She said softly trying to get his attention again, "I know w-"

  
"Alright! Places everybody!" 

  
"Later." He bumped her shoulder with a smile. He even leaned in a little closer and got a whiff of her perfume. 

  
Strawberries. 

  
Nini always smelled of strawberries and for as long as he could remember he's always associated them with her.

  
Maybe that's why he liked them so much.

  
He snapped out of his Nini induced haze when the track played back and the whole cast started to sing.

  
Gina and Carlos helped him with the choreography. And honestly, he didn't know how they made it look so easy. Gina, for instance, was a freak of nature. There was just no way she could bend like that and still claim to be human.

  
"You can't let the fear of messing up get to you when you dance." She told him once, "you just gotta let go."

  
Then she proceeded to twirl, leap and land in a split like it was nothing. 

  
Freak. Of. Nature.

  
"Ricky!" 

  
"What?!" He snapped. That was Nini, and he instantly felt like a jerk when he saw the hurt on her face. He was on a roll apparently.

  
And he was in his head again. He couldn't help it, but judging by the massive vein throbbing against his temple, Carlos didn't care. 

  
"You missed your cue." Nini told him and then got as far away from him as possible.

  
When he looked out at the empty seats again, Miss Jenn was on her feet, clip board in hand, and marching towards the stage.

  
Mann, this was not going to be good.

  
"Take five, everybody." She announced as she ascended the stairs, but stopped short when she got to her last step and looked at something over his shoulder.

  
"Well it's about time." Someone said from behind him. No, not someone. 

  
"Gina!" 

  
The stampede started before he could fully register what was going on so he didn't stand a chance of getting to her against the mob that swarmed her.

  
It wasn’t like he could move anyway…but he could see her so clearly. The huge smile on her face made her whole face light up. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears (like she was about to cry), but he doubted it would be the first time today if she actually did. But she looked so happy right now, so happy that it looked like it hurt. He didn't know how to explain it.

It was like she said when he asked her why she wouldn't do the show: she said she couldn't. She never said she didn't want to.

“Make room people.” Miss Jenn cut into the buzz of excitement as she walked passed him (he forgot she was even standing there.) His teacher walked up to her and took a turn at hugging her once his cast mates parted like the red sea. 

“It's so good to see you, honey.” 

“It's good to see you all too.” Gina responded once they let go. She stood on that sidewalk for five minutes straight after her mom drove off. She even thought about calling her to come back, but her hands were frozen at her sides with her dad's words stuck in her head…so she came inside. 

And boy was she glad she did.

“Miss Jenn, I was hoping to join the show…” She started and Ricky noticed her chipping off her nail polish while her eyes alternated between looking at her hands, looking at everyone else…and looking at him as she finished by saying, “…if the offer still stands."

"Of course it does." Miss Jenn said, speaking for all of them.

"And you know, I kinda need you to be the Taylor to my Chad." EJ said before adding, "no offense, Kourtney."

"None taken. I'm just glad to get back to designing costumes. Being in the spotlight is so not my thing." She responded with a smile that made Gina hug her again. 

Then Carlos snuck up on him and made him practically jump out of his skin when he asked, "So do you think you can do it right this time?" 

"What?" He was confused. 

Carlos nudged his head towards Gina and smiled, "It feels good to have her back, doesn't it?" He asked and it felt like he was going to say more, but he didn't. Instead he pulled on Ricky’s wrist...and he finally moved.

* * *

  
She felt so high.

Not in the ‘she just smoked a crap-load of weed’ sense (not that she knew what that felt like), but she felt the kind of high only dancing could give her. She hadn’t been on a stage in five days and even though she didn’t want to admit it, she’d been experiencing withdrawals. So it felt good to get back to doing what she loved the most, with the people she cared about the most.

Man, she still wasn’t sure how she let that happened…

Miss Jenn dismissed them about ten minutes ago, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave so she stood there in the middle of the stage and performed for the ‘captivated’ empty seats before her.

She lived off of this high. It helped her forget that her life was in shambles, and if she focused hard enough she could imagine her dad sitting in one of those empty seats smiling at her with pride.

“That’s my baby girl!” He’d yell out for everyone to hear, and even though she’d be totally embarrassed on the outside, on the inside she’d be flying…

_“Wow, so this is your real stage.”_

_“Yeah, I guess you could call it that...”_

She bowed her head gracefully to her imaginary audience when she was done with her routine and blew them kisses because everybody was getting some love.

“That was amazing.”

“Holy shit!” she jumped at the sound of his voice. “Have you always been a stalker?!” she yelled a little flustered. She didn’t think anyone else was still here.

And of course he would laugh at her frazzled state and overall weirdness while she stood there unamused.

“I’m sorry-” he stopped when another laugh slipped through and coughed to cover it up. “I’m not being a stalker. I mean, unless you want me to be.”

“Nha, I think I’ll have enough of those once I get rich and famous.” 

She grabbed her towel, water and sat down right there in the middle of the stage so he took it as an invite to sit there next to her.

“That’s a bold statement to make, G, and a little narcissistic, no?” he said while she chugged down her water and shrugged.

“Will you at least share your wealth with your good buddy when you do get famous?” he asked.

“Uh uh, it’s a dog eat dog world in these parts I’m afraid so it’s everyone for themselves.” 

“You wound me, Gina.” He said, laying a hand over his heart, “Especially since I would share mine with you.”

“You don’t have to worry about it then.” She said and drank more of her water to avoid looking at those puppy dog eyes.

“You know what, just for that I will be the Rose to your Charlie Harper. Only I won’t push you in front of a moving train in the end.” 

That made her laugh so hard she spit her water everywhere (She thinks she got a little bit on him too, actually) and started coughing too when some went down the wrong pipe. 

Wow! She really just couldn’t with him sometimes.

By the time she stopped choking she noticed him laughing too while rubbing circles on her back. "Are you good, Gina?" He asked with a chuckle and quickly flinched away because he anticipated the punch she landed on his shoulder. 

"You're such an asshole." She said wiping some stray tears away, but he only laughed some more because he's an asshole like she said.

"Okay, but seriously Gina? I don't think I've ever heard you laugh like that before."

"Really?" That was surprising.

When he nodded she suddenly felt tired and their mood shifted when the realization set in for both of them.

He pulled his legs to his chest as they settled down again, and she did the same. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment, just letting their eyes wander around the auditorium. 

Then he asked, "what made you come back?"

When she turned her head he was already looking at her, "my mom reminded me of something my dad used to say." She told him.

And he nodded, "You never talk about him."

"It's just hard." She whispered, and he took her hand to curb that urge she always has to scratch herself whenever she was feeling uncomfortable. Then he draped his left arm over her shoulder, but he wasn't sure if she noticed.

She just tried to get out as much as possible before it became too much, "Every time I talk about him for more than a minute I just...crumble." she said, her voice was already shaking. But she felt comforted all the same. His hand felt warm in hers and she could hear his heart pounding beneath her head when she laid it on his chest. 

And he told her, “Then don’t say anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for the history books! I really hope you guys are enjoying this story. I love to read and reply to your comments. They provide great feedback and generally really sweet, so thank you guys. Peace!


	5. Let It Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger warning* just in case

_Can you really move on?_

**I don’t know…but I can try.**

  
It’s been 65 days 12 hours and 53 minutes since his mom left.

Sometimes, mostly when he’s up late in the pitch-black darkness of his room, he wonders if she’s been counting too…if she even cares. Then he remembers that ex-cons probably don’t count the number of days they’ve had their freedom back either. Because that’s probably what it felt like for her, right? (to be away from them): Like Freedom.

She even had a boyfriend now. Ricky found out on Instagram when the guy tagged her in a photo of them kissing on the beach in whatever city (or country) they were in. There was no caption (but then again, a picture was worth a thousand words), which was just so typical. And to make matters worse? He liked that picture. In a moment of complete insanity, he double tapped on the screen and held his breath.

That was two nights ago, but he still couldn’t let himself breathe.

And no, he had no idea why he did it. He had two theories though:

1\. He was finally at a place in his life where he could be genuinely happy for his mom with no trace of resentment, or

2\. He wanted her to know that he’d seen it. That he knew. And let her live with the guilt of knowing that she wasn’t the one to tell him.

Okay. Maybe he did have some idea…and it worked too. It took her exactly 30 minutes to start blowing up his phone with calls he ignored and text messages he deleted without reading. 

It was so easy for her to move on from them while they couldn’t do the same. So easy, and now (after getting caught) she suddenly wanted a chance to explain herself?

Screw that…

He ignored yet another call from her as he walked out of the auditorium after Miss Jenn dismissed them. Only two things mattered to him right now: Gina being back, and the fact that it finally looked like they knew what they were doing on stage, so he was going to hold onto that. It was all he needed to be happy.

“Ricky!” Nini called out as she followed him out so he turned around to find her jogging towards him.

“Hey Nini.” He said once she was right in front of him.

“Hey,” she greeted, “Your mom called wanting to talk to you,” and that’s when he noticed the phone in her hand. He started shaking his head and backed up with his hands up like she was holding a gun about to shoot him. “Look, Ricky please? She sounded really desperate.”

“No, Nini! Didn’t you see what she did? What am I saying? Of course, you did. It’s on the freakin’ internet!” He yelled a little too loudly and his hands weaved through his curls as he tried to get a handle on his emotions because their cast mates were starting to stare as they walked passed them in the hallway.

“You know what’s even worse?” he asked her more evenly, “While my dad has been sleeping on our couch, she couldn’t even be bothered to tell us she’d met someone.”

“I didn’t know your dad was sleeping on the couch.” She said sheepishly as her eyes dropped to the floor, and he sighed. Part of him wanted to tell her that they weren’t exactly close these days. That their relationship was about as damaged as his parents’ was at this point. But this was Nini, and she was trying to be here for him so instead he said, “It’s just hard for him to sleep in his room when she’s not there anymore.”

“I get it.” She said looking at him again. “But she’s obviously trying to make things right.” 

It was his turn to look down when he felt her interlace their fingers. They felt warm, and familiar, and so much like Nini that the hardened features on his face softened a little. “I think you should give her a chance.” She advised earnestly. “She was hoping the three of you would have dinner together tonight.”

_Tonight?!_

She was already watching him when he lifted his head abruptly and he could see the hope in her eyes. They were asking if he could get past it…if he could forgive his mom for how she’d chosen to move on with her life. Because somehow their relationship paralleled his parents’ without them even realizing it, but if he could get past this then maybe there was a chance for them too.  
  
And he really wanted them to have a chance…

“Will you come with me?” he asked before he could stop himself because just like old times he was sure he wouldn’t be able to get past anything without her, and just like Nini, she didn’t disappoint.

“Of course, I will.” She responded, like it was obvious. It wasn’t though…not to him…not anymore. Still, he mirrored her smile when she squeezed his hand to show her support. Then, as if he’d summoned her, his phone vibrated in his free hand and when he checked his phone, **Mom** flashed across the screen.

“Text me the details, okay?” she requested when she saw his phone and he nodded. Then she let go of his hand, and stepped back, taking her warmth with her. He watched her go for a second and then steeled himself to face the inevitable as he answered the call.

“Hey mom…”

  
He was emotionally drained and ready to head home when he heard _Stick to the status quo_ blasting through the speakers inside the auditorium so naturally he had to investigate, and… _wow_.

He wasn’t prepared for what he saw on that stage, in fact he was convinced that he stepped into another world. Where his mom didn’t just ask him to meet some douche he didn’t even know while they were in town, where his dad wasn’t sleeping on the couch every night just so he could function the next day, and where he wasn’t absolutely terrified of commitment because of the example that was set for him. He stepped into a world where Gina Porter seemed to get all of it without even opening her mouth.

She was missing something, just like him and even though he couldn’t see it, it felt like (for her) whatever it was sat in one of those empty seats.

She kept reaching for it, but when her head hung low and her body folded into itself, he realized she couldn’t get to it, and that made her sad. To need something so badly and yet not get it…he was convinced that was one of the tragedies of life.

Then the music stopped, and she started blowing kisses to her audience. All traces of her sadness were gone from her face. Her story ended, and it was time for her to take a bow…so she did.

When he told her how amazing she was, she brushed it off like she always did. Because she already knew that and didn’t need anyone telling her something she already knew. She did appreciate the company though. She didn’t say it, but she did…and when he wrapped himself around her, she relaxed in his arms.

“So why’d you choose this song?” he asked after a while.

“Hmm?” she hummed against his chest, confused as she slowly opened her eyes. She had no qualms with falling asleep right there and then. Which was crazy. She had to go home, and Ricky Bowen was not that comfortable.

“Stick to the status quo.” He clarified, “why’d you choose to dance to it? I mean, it doesn’t seem to match your mood.”

“And what mood is that?”

“…your sadness.” He hesitated a second, then asked “Is it over your dad?”

She pulled away almost instantly (fully awake now) and stared at him. It felt like getting ice cold water poured over them and he immediately regretted what he said. “I thought you said I didn’t have to say anything about that.” She snapped, and he wanted more than anything to be able to shove those words back in his mouth and act like the last five seconds didn’t happen.  
  
But that was scientifically impossible so instead he just apologized.

She didn’t doubt his sincerity or blame him for being curious, but…Ricky had this way of making her forget herself sometimes and she could simply live in whatever moment they’d created for themselves, so when he asked about her dad just now it was like having her senses knocked back into her. 

And it wasn’t a great feeling…

But like she told him before; she wasn’t ready to go there about her dad yet, so she chose to focus on his first question instead and said: “The lyrics go – No no no! Stick to the stuff you know. It is better by far to keep things as they are. Don’t mess with the flow, no no, Stick to the status quo.” She quoted, “The song is so upbeat and filled with fancy footwork that it’s easy to ignore the fact that it's adamantly against change and moving on. It promotes being stuck, sticking with what’s familiar and being comfortable there.”

O-kay, “Point made, but that’s not you. You move to someplace new every few months.” He reminded her and she rolled her eyes while simultaneously trying not to let that sting because, even if it was true, that wasn’t the full picture…and she didn’t believe it’s what the song was about.

“I may constantly be moving forward physically, but up here?” she pointed to her head, “I’m still stuck where I was eight years ago.”

Sometimes life would bombard her with different ways to keep her a prisoner of everything she knew. For Troy, it came in the form of his dad trying to keep him inside this metaphorical basketball box filled with Captaincy, championships and a free ride to college to play the sport they both loved.

Coach Bolton even said it himself: 

_“You’re a playmaker, not a singer”._

_“Did you ever think maybe I could be both?”_

That was probably the first time Troy’s mind shifted and told him something different from what he always knew. He stood toe to toe with his dad and pushed back against the status quo in that scene, just to move forward.

Gina wasn’t sure she was there yet. Neither was Ricky. For them, there was just still so much crap to get over.

* * *

Ricky’s hands felt clammy as they hung loosely at his sides.

Red just dropped them off so him and Nini were standing outside the restaurant his mom invited him to, looking in. The place was packed, but he spotted her easily. They were sitting in the center of the room, below a fancy chandelier that sparkled with crystals, holding hands and laughing with each other. 

_She looks happy._

The thought alone made his palms sweat even more. That, and the fact that the place looked sophisticated too. The men were all dressed the same, in Black suits and bow ties (including Mr. Instagram tag over there) while most of the women in there wore form fitting dresses that complimented their figures, basically nothing like he was wearing (which was jeans and the one good shirt he owned). Nini was better off, she had on a cute cocktail dress he’s never seen before. Had EJ seen it? He didn’t know. When it came to Nini, it felt like he didn’t know anything about her anymore. 

He didn’t realize they were still just standing out there feeling out of place instead of going inside like they should’ve five minutes ago until his phone vibrated in his pocket. When he checked it was a text from Gina: **Remember you’ll feel much better once it’s over,** it said, and he wondered how she knew.

Then he turned to Nini and asked, “Hey, did you talk to Gina today?”

She shook her head, “No, why?”. 

Then how did she know?

“It’s nothing. We should go in,” he brushed it off as she took his hand, interlacing their fingers. She’s been doing that a lot today, and even though he was sure she was just trying to be comforting, it only confused him even more.

“Ricky?” She squeezed his hand when he didn’t move.

“Oh right, yeah, let’s go. Let’s…get this over with, an-” he cut himself off before his words got away from him and he said something he couldn’t take back. And they walked in.

The Maître d' led them to their table after thoroughly judging him for his outfit choice (he didn’t get the memo, okay?), and not for the first time since they got here Ricky wondered what the hell he was doing. And why the hell his mother would suggest a place like this…

"Ricky!" She yelled excitedly as they approached their table for four and practically knocked her chair over getting up to squeeze the life out of him. It would've fallen over too if the maître d' didn't steady it for her.

"Hey mom." He greeted as he let go of Nini's hand and hugged her back. It was crazy, he was so mad at her, but he missed her at the same time. Even holding her now he missed her, who she was to him...how things used to be.

"I'm so happy you came." She said softly into his ear, just for him to hear and feel the weight of her gratitude.

And he smiled weakly into her shoulder as the lie rolled from his tongue, "I'm happy too, mom," he hummed (but was it really if he wished it was true?). He just wanted the circumstances to be different.

Speaking of...

"Ricky, this is Paul." His mom introduced him to the man hovering behind her once she pulled away. Instagram Tag strategically place his hand on her lower back while Ricky stepped back to stand awkwardly next to Nini. 

He looked taller in person, his hair was less blonde than the picture led him to believe, but it wasn’t too dark either and he was fully dressed, with no swimming trunks in sight. He almost looked like a regular guy to Ricky, too bad he had to go and open his mouth.

"It's nice to meet you, Ricky. Your mom's told me a lot about you." He said with his arm stretch out towards Ricky so they could shake hands, and he wanted to he really did, but all he could think about was his dad sleeping on the couch while Instagram Tag tried to take his place.

He couldn't just stand there doing nothing though, could he? But the alternative wasn't really appealing to him either.

Lucky for him, he had a buffer in the girl standing next to him. "I'm Nini," she introduced herself with a wide smile and eagerly shook the awaiting hand when it became clear he wasn’t going to do it. See? Awkwardness averted.

At least that’s what he thought until his mom said, "Nini is Ricky's girlfriend." 

That’s when he choked on his own spit and started coughing.

"Are you alright, honey?" His mom asked a little concerned while rubbing his back, and he nodded while trying to get ahold of himself.

"I'm-" *cough* "I-I'm fine" he wheezed out while he fought with his eyes to keep the tears at bay, then repeated, "I'm fine,” to test his voice.

"And Nini's not my girlfriend." He said, feeling the need to make that clear. She didn't correct his mom herself but judging by the look of worry on Nini's face after his little 'episode', he figured she got sidetracked so he would set the record straight himself. He just didn't understand why she wouldn't look at him as soon as he said it when this was what she wanted. 

"We're friends." He announced firmly, cementing the label between them as he looked at his mom and Instagram Tag.

...

"Would you folks like to sit?" The maître d cut into the awkward silence. He didn’t look like he wanted to be there anymore so when they finally realized that they were still standing at the table drawing attention to themselves, he left.

"Right." Instagram Tag no- Paul - said (Ricky figured he should get that right since he might be sticking around for a while judging by the stars in his mom's eyes every time she looked at the guy) before they all sat down and settled in for a rocky night.

It wasn't until they'd ordered and had their food in front of them that Inst- Paul zeroed in on him. "So Ricky," he started, "your mom tells me your school is doing a stage production of High School Musical. That must be exciting." 

He nodded as he chewed on the crab his mom recommended because "it's to die for" (her words. Words he didn’t even know she started using). He's never had crab in his life, but when in Rome, right? Plus, Paul was paying so he was going to take pleasure in sucking him dry, even if it was just for one night because he hoped to never do this again.

When it didn't look like he would say anything his mom decided to fill the silence, "Yeah. Ricky's playing Troy and you're Gabriella, right Nini?" She asked, silently pleading with the girl to toss them a bone.

She obliged, "Yeah, we're really excited about it..." and they could really hear it in her voice that she meant it, "...we're also a little stressed though because of the time crunch."

His mom's eyebrows met in confusion (shit!), "You guys still have a little over a week though."

"Three days, actually." Nini responded, "We had to move up the date."

"Ric-"

"-This crab is delicious, mom." He cut her off before munching on it some more. He was staring at his plate so intently that he could only feel her accusatory eyes on him. Between Gina leaving and finding out his mom was dating someone new he didn't have time to give her a play by play of what's going on in his life. Sue him.

"Ricky, can I talk to you for a second?" His mom asked (but not really) then got up and marched towards the exit fully expecting him to follow. So, he did.

"Why didn't you tell me about your show? Do you not want me there?" She asked. Her voice was thick with emotion and he felt like crap for hurting her feelings. He didn't mean to, but he did. (Funny how that flipped on him, huh?)

He sighed and grabbed onto her shoulders, "of course I want you there," he assured her, "I just didn't tell you yet because it literally happened a couple of hours ago, but I was going to. I promise." 

Maybe not right away, but he was...he was.

"Okay." She sighed in relief. At least one of them was. The part of his brain that held memories of his mom was caught up in a crap storm he didn't know how to get out of right now. "Why was it moved up anyway?" She added as she relaxed more under his hands and he let go with a shrug.

"One of our cast mates is going through something at home. We moved it up to accommodate her."

"But aren’t that what understudies are for?" She asked, but Ricky was already shaking his head. 

"No. She's kinda...irreplaceable." 

Then his mom just looked at him like she was finally seeing something in him she didn’t notice before. She looked at him for a while too until he couldn't take it anymore and asked wearily, "what is it?" He didn't trust the way she was looking at him, like she knew something he was yet to figure out. It made him uneasy and he didn't like it.

"Nothing..." she finally said, "...I just didn't know you and Nini broke up."

"It was a while ago." He said, "we should get back inside." 

He shoved his hands in his front pockets and swayed from side to side. She was starting to make him feel uncomfortable, with her knowing gaze and suspicious body language. 

Whatever was going on in her head she kept to herself and simply agreed. She could practically taste his discomfort and didn't wanna push. She figured it was probably hard enough for him to be standing here in the first place. 

But she did have one request, "Could you at least talk to Paul and try to get to know him? For me?" She added for good measure as she hooked her arm around his and his defenses came tumbling down.

Paul was a Corporate Lawyer, no kids, owned a Basset Hound and loved spoiling his four-year-old niece. He was nice. Good. Decent. Liked his mom and looked at her like she hung the moon. Still, the resentment bubbled inside Ricky's core, and every time he wanted to point out his one glaring flaw, he clutched his fists under the table instead.

By the time dinner was over he could see the outline of his nails inside the palm of his hands.

"Do you kids need a ride home?" His mom asked once they were outside and he shook him head, "Red’s picking us up."

"Nonsense." Paul piped in with a smile so bright it could blind the sun, "We can drop you off," he offered, which made Ricky uneasy. And even more so when Nini accepted, "you can get to know him more in the car," she reasoned for only him to hear, like he hadn't already spent the last hour and a half getting to know this man.

But the decision was made for him before he could even form the words to reject it, and the next thing he knew they were parked in front of Nini's house saying their goodnights.

He needed to get out while he still could...

"I can walk from here," he declared once Nini was safely inside her house.

"Ricky, it's 10 pm and your house is five blocks away." His mom objected. ("Your house"). He tried not to let that sting. 

"I'm used to it. I'll be fine." He told them, "I promise."

"Ric-"

"It's okay, honey." Paul cut in. Finally! Common ground. He was grateful for it. "You'll call us as soon as you get home, right?" He asked, his eyes focused on him through the rearview mirror and Ricky eagerly agreed. "Yeah. Of course." He rushed out to appease his mom and hustled his ass out of there before they changed their minds.

Paul hit the horn as they drove off and turned the corner, heading back to their hotel. In the restaurant they'd suggested doing this again after the show, but Ricky didn't see that happening then or anytime soon...not when he still needed to find his peace of mind.

So he set off to go look for it.

* * *

Gina was about to get into bed to turn in for the night when the tapping came against her window. "What the hell?" She whispered, a little startled to see him standing out there waiting for her to let him in. 

"Hey" he greeted with a faint smile once she opened her window and moved out of the way so he could climb inside.

"What are you doing here, Ricky?" She asked after she closed her window again and turned to him. He looked slightly crazed, she wasn't gonna lie, and a little desperate.

"How did you know?" He asked urgently, completely ignoring her question (and further cementing her point). 

But she had no idea what he was asking...

"What?"

"Your text message. How did you know I needed it?" He elaborated, with his voice still slightly high-pitched as he waited for her to make sense of the night he just had.

When he started his search, he had no idea this was where he would end up, but maybe (and he was really hoping) that she would...

"Oh." She said as the confusion cleared from her eyes. She'd forgotten about that. Weird since it was the first thing she did when she got home and saw the only picture she had of her dad still laying on her nightstand, yet to be packed. It reminded her of their conversation at school and the way he was acting. Like something was weighing heavily on him but didn't want to talk about it so he tackled her problems instead.

She remembered only one other time he did that...

"You talked to your mom, right?" She asked, merely for confirmation than anything else. She already knew he did. Only she could get him all twisted up like this. 

"When you came to see me the other night you said you talked to your mom on thanksgiving," she reminded him. "You had the same crazed look in your eyes, okay maybe not as bad, but you looked like you do now...like you're looking for something."

When he didn't say anything, she stepped closer to him, took his hand and held it between them. "You forget I know you too," she told him as he looked down at their hands. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I will if you will." He finally said as they locked eyes and her heart rate quickened. 

She's never talked about it before. She didn't know how to. She wasn't allowed. "Don't let it rule you." Her mom used to say. “Sweep it under the rug. Forget about it. If you don't put a spotlight on it, you can pretend it never happened.”

But it did happen...and it ruled her entire life.

"Maybe..." Ricky continued, "...it's better to let it out so we can try to deal with it."

"You first," she told him. There was no way she was ripping the band aid off first when she wasn't quite ready to see the wound underneath yet...  
So he nodded, but instead of taking a second to gather his thoughts, he just blurted out "I found out on social media that my mom got a new boyfriend only two months after moving out, and I hate her for it, which just makes me feel like shit," he said, tightening his grip on her hand with each word he confessed, all while his eyes stayed locked on hers so he wouldn't feel like he was going insane.

She knew that feeling...and as bad as it was, she liked that she wasn't the only one. 

It made her words feel less like acid in her mouth when she finally confessed to another person that...

"My dad committed suicide."


	6. The Best Of Times...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so...I was originally going to make this chapter longer (called: The best Of Times...And The Worst of Times) so that we could get through all of Gina's dad parts before moving on with the story, but it's proving to be incredibly hard for me to write.
> 
> It's hard because I lost my dad too, in a car accident while he was driving home, so I can relate to what Gina is going through here.
> 
> Anyway, I decided to split it.
> 
> This is "the Best of times". The next one will be "the worst of times".
> 
> Please bear with me...and I hope you enjoy.
> 
> And I hope you're all staying safe.
> 
> Love  
> Riri

_What are you thinking right now?_

  
**I’m wondering why he isn’t pitying me.**

  
“I have this recurring dream.” She started as she slowly made her way to the bed. 

Her legs felt like jelly so if she didn’t sit down right now she was going to collapse in front of him.

But she wouldn’t cry. Not now.

“It always starts the same: I’m five years old, dad’s blasting music through the sound system, and he’s screaming…”

_“Genie! There you are!” he yelled over the blaring music as she dragged her feet into their living room with her doll clutched close to her heart. She was having a tea party in her room with Barry the Bear and Princess Tiana when the music came on and made it impossible for her to converse with her guests._

_When it became clear to her that the music wasn’t about to stop any time soon Princess Tiana offered to go with her to investigate what the hell was going on._

_So here she was, standing in the doorway in the middle of the afternoon, looking none too pleased with her father._

_“I’m so glad you decided to join me!” He told her as he kneeled in front of her._

_She rolled her eyes, “Daddy, you’re ruining my tea party!” She whined and aggressively stomped her feet. She was this close to throwing a temper tantrum if he didn’t shut this music off RIGHT NOW. She couldn’t even tell on him because her mom was out of town. Their neighbor, Mrs. Gray, was newly single after her divorce from a man she so loved to refer to as her “no good cheating dirty dog of a husband”, so she was dubbed “wing-woman” for the weekend (whatever that meant), Gina didn’t understand adult talk. Either way it meant she wouldn’t be back until tomorrow morning, and this man was driving her insane._

_“I’m sorry, baby, but Luther Vandross was calling out to me and I just couldn’t ignore him.”_

_“…Luther who?” she asked confused before deciding she didn’t really care. She just wanted him to stop, so she set Princess Tiana down on the floor to keep her from being caught in the middle of this. “Look daddy, we have to reach some sort of compromise here because I can’t live like this.”_

_“What do you know about compromise?” he asked amused._

_“Jessica Hurley brought a dictionary to school yesterday and showed it to me.” She explained while her dad listened intently, nodding his head for her to continue with her story, “She told me her big sister gave it to her because she kept bugging her about this word her mom keeps saying to her dad.”_

_“You don’t say.”_

_“Yeah, so we looked it up and used it all day at school.”_

_When she was done her dad nodded with that goofy smile still plastered on his face, caught between going for a full on grin or looking at her in awe after everything his five year old just said._

_Today was a good day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and he had his best girl with him, which made everything brighter. She made him want to believe that life was simple and that the stumbling blocks that came with it were just that- stumbling blocks._

_And he could handle a few stumbles, as long as he didn’t fall._

_When she stepped closer and grabbed onto his shoulders, he went full on grin._

_“So?” she asked with a raised brow._

_“Okay, here’s what I’m thinking.” He said snapping out of his thoughts. “You dance with me for a little bit and then afterwards I will-”_

_“-join my tea party!” Actually, he was gonna say get dinner ready, but okay. “I will join your tea party.” He agreed, resigning himself to his daughter’s will, “You read my mind, kid.”_

_She beamed up at him when he stood and offered his hand._

_Then she let him twirl her around the room for the next half an hour…_

She wasn’t sure when he sat down next to her, but his hands were suddenly covering hers, gripping them so she’d stop shaking. 

“Is that a memory?” he asked curiously. With no pity. 

It was weird. She thought she would’ve heard it by now.

“Yeah, but…” she swallowed and gripped his hands right back before confessing, “I can never see his face.”

“It’s like, I’m looking at him while standing in the middle of a fog and it’s the middle of the night. I know he’s there. I kinda recognize the sound of his voice and I can _just_ make out his silhouette, but I can never _see_ him clearly enough that I can say ‘Yep, that’s definitely him.’ At least not without looking at his picture.”

She looked at it now (still on her nightstand) before her brain fogged him up again.

“He would get these _really_ bad days.” She continued (she couldn’t stop), “and neither of them ever talked about it but…I felt it. I just didn’t know what to call it.”

“Why?” 

“Why what?”

“Why didn’t they ever talk about it?” he asked.

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

That was a lie. 

She had plausible deniability at best: she never saw anything (her mom made sure of that), and there was never any evidence in the aftermath. But she still knew he lost his temper sometimes.

She would hear it. 

Then he would walk out. _Every. Time._

That night was only one out of an infinite number…and the only difference was he never came back like the other times.

Ricky didn’t push her to tell him any of this though, instead he took in her almost-empty room while they sat in the silence. Then the picture on her nightstand caught his eye.

“That him?” Ricky asked, and she smiled.

“Mhm.” 

She wiped away a rogue tear on her cheek and handed it to him.

_He has to let go of your hand to admire it, Gina_. 

Oh Lord, she couldn’t believe she had to remind herself of that when disappointment settled in the pit of her stomach.

Luckily, there wasn’t much time to dwell on it when he held the picture up next to her face and told her, “I’m sure this will come as a shock to you and I’m really sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but, other than the eyes? You don’t look…anything like him.”

“Argh, shut up." She snatched it from him and put it back. 

This wasn’t news to her. Anyone who met them knew she was the spitting image of her mother.

Still though…

“You know what? I am offended- no- indignant! that you would even say that when ANYONE with fully functioning vision can clearly see that I am basically a mirror image of my father!” She tried to say with a straight face, she really did, but she knew he could see the amusement she was failing to hide.

“If you have something to say about my eyes, G, then just say it.”

“I'm saying they need to be checked.” She shot out of bed, “or better yet, get yourself fitted for new ones cause all I see is two holes on your face.”

When he went quiet she knew she had him. (She totally had him.)

He got up too so he could get a better look at her. His eyes shining with mischief as his memories of tonight faded into the background. Gina Porter was now front and center in his mind/his life/his existence.

Then asked, “…what?”

“I don’t know, man.” She slouched and started laughing before she could stop herself. 

But of course, he was waaay ahead of her. In fact, he was so far ahead of her that he was already laughing so hard (at her!) that tears were spilling down his face.

In conclusion: He was an ass and she didn’t know why she was friends with him.

* * *

She wasn’t sure whose idea it was to stay up and watch High School Musical for “research purposes”, and she wasn’t the type of girl to point fingers at anybody, but this right here had “I hate any musical" boy’s prints ALL over it.

Which resulted in this sequence of events. 

Pay attention:

First – Ricky sent his mom an “I got home” text and his dad an “I’m sleeping at Red’s” text. 

Second- Gina pulled out her laptop. Made room for both of them on her bed plus the aforementioned laptop. Then she pulled up the movie once they were both comfortably under the covers. 

Separate. Covers. (She wasn’t trying to start nothing)

He had a girlfriend and, even though they were currently broken up, Gina knew he was still actively pursuing her.

Even if he didn’t (which he does) he was her friend and she would NEVER cross that line. 

EVER…

Where was she? 

Oh. 

Third – Halfway through the movie. Probably around the time Troy and Gabriella were ‘auditioning' for the musical? She couldn’t be sure cause she was already half asleep (this was when she should’ve told him to go home. But she didn’t do that. Cause she’s a dumbass).

She felt him kiss her cheek. It was practically in his face since their heads were so close together and suddenly, she was hyper aware of him while (now) she pretended to be asleep.

It would’ve been fine too if it didn’t last for longer than it should’ve.

But it did and she was in trouble because this was the closest she’s ever gotten to a real kiss, even though she wasn’t supposed to know about it.

Only she did know about it. 

Heck, it set her face on fire and the feel of his lips was now permanently tattooed on her cheek.

As if that wasn’t enough, her heart was trying to stage a prison break. It was feeling too much to be trapped in the confines of her chest any longer. It wanted OUT. It wanted to show him how he was destroying her, how he was making her forget her sensibilities.

Making her want to blur friendship lines drawn in metaphorical sand…

  
When the sun crept in through her window it woke him up first. (It knew better than to wake her up)

She woke up anyway when Ricky wouldn’t stop moving.

“Gina.” He finally whispered when she started stirring under the covers.

“Mmm" – she was not getting up.

He tried again, “Gina.”

Shit. 

Her eyes opened the tiniest bit and found him just as close as he was last night.

“What time is it?” she groaned, struggling to stay awake.

“6 am.” He spoke just as softly. Then he tucked a curl behind her ear, grazing her cheek and she remembered. She was pretty sure she would never stop feeling that kiss.

“I need to go home and get ready for school, but I didn’t wanna leave without saying goodbye.” He told her as he pulled his hand away and she smiled with her eyes already closing again.

“Mkay, I’ll see you at school.”

“See you at school, Gina.” He responded, then he was gone before she could thank him for listening to her, and before she could punch him in the face for disrupting her emotions four days before she was due to move…

  
Event number - urgh, she lost count. Let’s be real: she was never gonna be able to keep that up anyway – She groaned into her pillow. This was payback for homecoming. It had to be.

Then came the banging on her door and she knew she was in trouble before she could even get her emotions in check.

Before her mom demanded she- “Get your ass out here!”

Yep. That.

And she knew better than to argue so she dragged said behind out of bed to go face the Lex Luther to her Superman.

“Did I just see Ricky climbing out your window?” Her mom struck the first blow before she even sat down at the breakfast table.

“Um-"

“Did he sleep here?!” There went another one. 

Damn, she’s never seen her mom look so scandalized. In fact, if it could, Gina was sure her face would’ve already turned sheet white from the shock.

“Mom-"

“Answer me, Gina Porter!”

“I’m trying to!” She yelled right back, and in hindsight that’s where she should’ve stopped.

But it was too late. 

Her smart mouth had grown legs and took off ahead of her commonsense.

“If you’ll just SHUT UP and listen to me for once!”

The amount of disrespect conveyed from that one statement stunned them both to silence.

Suddenly Gina didn’t know what to say. 

Her mouth was dry: she was getting more dehydrated with every passing second while her mother chugged the last glass of water. 

That’s how it felt anyway.

“Mom, I'm so-"

“I’m waiting for an explanation not an apology. Clearly you’ve been holding onto that bit of resentment for a while now with the way it karate kicked its way out your mouth.” Her mom responded calmly, still sitting across from her, still waiting.

“We fell asleep” She began to explain (which was weird because this never happened), “We were just watching a movie, mom, I promise. Nothing happened.” 

Her still burning cheek mocked her for that one.

“I would’ve heard if it did. Or maybe something did happen, but not under my roof. I have no way of knowing, do I?” 

“You could trust me when I say it didn’t.”

Her mom only hummed in response.

This was a Mexican standoff of their own making, and neither of them were coming out of it alive.

“I trusted you not to sneak in a boy into your room in the middle of the night.”

“It wasn’t the middle of the ni-"

“And I trusted you to tell him to go home once you were done telling him about your father.”

“How did you-?”

That really shouldn’t have surprised her as much as it did since the walls were practically made of cardboard and her mom’s room was right next to hers.

But the question/accusation slipped out before she could stop herself.

So she backtracked and tried to relieve some of the tension: “Come on, mom. You know Ricky.” 

“No, Gina. I really don’t.” 

…But she wasn’t budging.

“And these floodgates you’ve opened are only gonna leave you heartbroken.” Her mom told her, but Gina made her defiance clear.

“You can’t even say it, can you?”

Candyman…

“You know, you’re such a hypocrite, mom?” She scoffed, “with the way you keep saying I shouldn’t keep things bottled up when that’s all you ever do. You’ve kept dad like that for eight years!” She got up, needing to move otherwise she might just lose her mind.

“Well I’m not going to be like you. I refuse.” She said shaking her head.

Her mom got up too with her tears itching to escape.

The table still separated them, or maybe that were their unresolved familial issues.

“Do what you want, Gina.” She finally said, “If you want to tell Ricky about your dad, go ahead.”

“I just want him to know me. To know where I come from. To know about someone I love.” Gina told her (pleaded with her), “Is that so bad?”

Her mom came closer, eliminating the space between them. There was no more table keeping them apart, but she felt so far away from the only parent she had left.

Still, Gina appreciated her mom for trying to bridge the gap between them with something as simple as playing with her curls, and wiping away some of the angry tears she didn’t notice had spilled down her cheeks.

Before she bluntly reminded her that, “Your dad wasn’t perfect.” She added ‘baby’ to cushion the blow, but when the words hit her all she felt was the concrete around them.

“You remember, don’t you?” 

Candyman…

Of course she did. She was still tricking her brain into overlooking those parts. 

Her dad wasn’t here anymore and she didn’t want to speak ill of him.

“If you really want this boy to know where you come from then you can’t pick and choose what you show him. You gotta put it all out there.”

This time when she cried, she noticed.

“He tried his best, mom.” She defended, but her mom was already shaking her head.

“Did he?” she asked, “Because I only see the two of us here.”

She framed her face with her hand so she’d be forced to look at her, “You put a spotlight on him, baby. Now you gotta face all of it…He doesn’t get to be a saint just cause he's gone.”

Then she let her go and Gina realized her mom was actually holding her up.

She knew because as soon as she walked out the kitchen to go start her day, Gina’s legs collapsed from under her and she almost missed her chair as she broke down.

It was her own fault.

She thought she could handle it when she summoned him again after all this time.

Candyman…


	7. ...The Worst Of Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! It's been a while hasn't it? Yeah...anyway, let's go.

_…_

  
**I meant what I said. He gave up on us- he was the coward here so don’t you dare judge me.**

  
_I didn’t say anything, Miss Porter._

  
**…You didn’t have to**.  


Nobody had any right to speak on what happened the night he left. They weren’t there – it was just her, and him slouched over next to their daughter’s bedroom door with his head hanging between his knees…

_The sound of glass breaking woke her up in the middle of the night, startling her upright. It wasn’t a home invasion, she knew, one look to her left told her all that she needed to know. So, she wrapped herself in her night gown and went to face him. Her heart felt like lead with each step she took until she finally opened the door and found him sitting there with his legs pulled to his chest and his head hanging low. But that’s not what caught her attention- those were his hands – they were hanging loosely over his knees dripping blood to the floor._

_“I made a mess in the kitchen.” He whispered without looking up. “I’m sorry.”_

_She nodded, sliding down the wall to sit next to him. Six years later and she was still getting used to his erratic emotions. He never really smiles anymore. At least not the kind that ever reached his eyes, and even when he tried, she knew he was just going through the motions at this point. For Gina’s sake._

_But the magic was gone from his eyes. They were just cold and empty pits now, waiting for the end._

_“I know you are...” She told him, “…let’s just go to bed, yeah?” She reached for his arm only to scare him to his feet just to avoid her touch._

_To put as much distance between them as possible._

_She got up too._

_When he spoke again, he was looking right at her, his dark pits showed no sign of life. He was giving up right in front of her eyes and she didn’t even know it._

_“No.” he said firmly, with his hands curled into fists, causing the blood to drip down faster. She wondered if he felt any pain from that wound, any remorse for whatever damage was waiting for her in the kitchen. If he did, she wasn’t privy to any of it._

_“How are you just okay with sharing a bed with me?” he asked. Accused actually- like he always did when he couldn’t wrap his head around how she was so okay with him being broken while he was barely holding himself together._

_“Because…you’re my husband.” She reminded him. Like she always did. Because this was their dance now. It has been for six years- since the bad days came and the tiniest thing set him off. The first time it happened Gina was a year old. He was trying to baby-proof the house himself (-always by himself) but struggled with it so he lost his temper and trashed her nursery._

_For the longest time she couldn’t forgive him for that- couldn’t even look at him. But the man was persistent, and she loves him so…Anyway, it didn’t happen again. Not for a while. Until suddenly something that happened occasionally became a regular occurrence- and no one was harder on him than himself._

_“I’m not that man anymore, Terri. I- I can’t be.”_

_“Yes, you can.” She pressed, “you already are.”_

_“I just want it all to stop, don’t you get it?!” The way he snapped made her blood run cold and she dug the heels of her feet where she stood._

_“You have no idea what it’s like for me…” He continued, calmer, with tears rolling down his cheeks. “…to want to be there for you and Gina, but not be able to because my anxiety, anger, aggression, sadness, disappointment- you name it- keep me up at night…and I don’t know how to handle ANY of it!” He grabbed the photo frame hanging on the wall next to his head and smashed it against the opposite wall in his frustration._

_It scared her- He…he scared her half to death, and all she could do was cry about it, “Will, please don’t do this. We can find a way to help you, we can…” she had no idea what to suggest. Seeing him in this state, it made her afraid to a point where she wasn’t thinking clearly._

_All she wanted was for them to go to bed._

_It would be better in the morning. It was always better in the morning._

_“I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m broken.” He sneered and squeezed his fists tighter. Something else was on the tip of his tongue when Gina’s door opened and the seven-year-old peeked her head through to see what all the commotion was about._

_“Mom? Dad? What’s going on?” she groaned._

_“Gina get back to bed!” her mom yelled and practically pushed her back in her room and shut the door in her face. It was too late though; she already caught a glimpse of the blood on the floor and the emptiness in her father’s eyes._

_“She’s scared of me.” He said once his wife turned to him again. Because as much as Gina was looking at him, he was looking at her too. He knew fear when he saw it, and from his best girl of all people. His Genie in a bottle. Rub her bum long enough and she popped out and granted all his wishes. She made him believe that life was made up of stumbling blocks: that as long as he didn’t fall then that’s all there’d ever be._

_He knew now that he was wrong. Life was made up of mountains- and he’d been trying and failing to climb Mount Everest this whole time._

_“No.” Terri said, drawing his attention to her. “She’s scared_ **for** _you. You hurt yourself.” She pointed to his hand. When he looked down, he finally noticed all the blood. The cut was deep, and he’d need stitches. Only he didn’t want any. It reflected who he was- an open wound- and even if he tried to close it again, it would never be the same._

_He knew that now._

_“Let me clean it for you.” She begged and took one step closer._

_“No. Just go to sleep.”_

_She shook her head, just as stubborn as he was, but with only one of them standing on the ledge. “Not without you.” She said, but he didn’t pay her any mind._

_Still looking at his wound he said, “If I stay here, then one day soon I will hurt you and Gina. That singular thought wakes me up at night, and I would rather destroy this entire house than do that, but what happens when there’s nothing left to wreck? Hm?”_

_He looked up at her then, but she had nothing to say._

_His words paralyzed her. It was true they’ve had a few close calls where he would get so angry…and she would be in the way, but one look at her used to be enough to stop him in his tracks._

_Used to…_

_This was their tragedy- how quickly things changed and how broken they became. Maybe that realization was what kept her from stopping him when he brushed passed her, packed a bag and headed for the door._

_The quiet was so deafening it’s what got Gina out of bed again, but this time when she opened her door all she saw was a glimpse of the back of his head before he slammed the door shut behind him and she never saw him again._

_He never even said goodbye…_

Terri Porter knew she was never going to be able to save her husband that night. She’d lost him before she even got out of bed. But, two years after her husband’s death, she realized that there were people out there who suffered their own tragedies- tragedies out of their control. So, she vowed to help them rebuild their families (their homes) where she may have failed with her own. 

It was her calling.

* * *

When they were kids, Red watched Ricky and Nini fall for each other. It was the easiest thing in the world: falling in love with your best friend, someone you know and who knows you. Someone you know will never leave you behind.

Red was a witness to it all, so he knew how hard it was for them to let go of that kind of love, even if (sometimes) that’s all a first love is supposed to be. A _first_ love. That’s why he wasn’t shocked when Ricky told him that he was taking Nini to dinner with his mom. Because of course, she was his safe place, his comfort. Their entire lives one fact always remained: nothing bad could happen so long as Nini was around (even though something bad already did- case in point – she dumped him for another dude). It wasn’t all on her though, Ricky sucked at commitment; his inability to say those three dreaded words was a slap in the face so Red figured it must’ve shattered her heart. In fact, he knew it did. She wrote a song and posted it online for crying out loud so…that made his best friend kind of an ass for not saying it back. 

An ass that was squeezing out every ounce of comfort she’s given him their entire lives. And up until a few weeks ago, Red was convinced neither of them would ever grow and move on from each other.

Then entered Gina Porter…

“Do you think she’s late? She wouldn’t miss school, right?” Ricky asked as he pulled his books out of his locker and slammed it shut. He’s been keeping a close eye on the entrance for a good five minutes, but there was no sign of Gina and the bell was going to go off soon.

“Dude, she’ll be here.” Red was standing next to him, watching him have a mini freak out.

“I don’t know, man. When I left her she was barely awake.” Ricky didn’t notice, but Red stilled, staring at the back of his head, processing what he just heard.

“Maybe I should ca-”

“Whoa whoa whoa! Back up a sec…” He grabbed Ricky’s right shoulder and spun him around. “Left her when?”

“What?”

“You just said when you left her, she was barely awake. So, I ask again: left her when?”

Only then did it dawn on Ricky – he actually said that out loud…Okay.

“Uhh…”

“You slept at her house, didn’t you? That’s where you were?” The way his face turned _bright_ red _so_ fast was all the confirmation Red needed. “Ohmygod! Dude! Talk about burying the lead!”

Ricky rubbed his shoulder where Red shoved him, “I wasn’t burying anything.” He said, “…and will you keep your voice down,” he stepped closer and grabbed his shoulders after surveying the busy hallway to make sure none of the passing students overheard them. They didn’t need to feed the rumor mill today.

Red brushed him off, “Yeah yeah. So, what happened?” 

“Nothing. We just watched a movie and fell asleep.”

“But I thought you were out with Nini last night. How’d you end up at Gina’s?”

That was a long story Ricky wasn’t about to dredge up this early in the morning, and his reluctance was made crystal clear in his hesitation to answer, so Red didn’t push.

“…doesn’t matter.” Then a lightbulb went on above his head. “Huh.” He mused.

“Nope.” Ricky frantically shook his head, “This is not a ‘huh’ moment.”

But Red disagreed, “It think this is the perfect ‘huh’ moment. I mean…you sought her out, slept in her bed…lied to your dad.”

Ricky winced. “He called you, didn’t he?” 

“Yep.” He popped the ‘p’. “Would’ve appreciated a heads up by the way.”

“Yeah. I owe you for that.” he said, but Red waved him off.

“I’ll settle for being kept in the loop next time.” He told him, “….so…what was it like?”

Ricky got this dreamy look in his eyes Red’s never seen before and sighed, “It was-”

“Hey guys.” Nini greeted suddenly, scaring the crap out of them. They were so busy trying to be inconspicuous that they didn’t notice her approach, and now they couldn’t help but wonder how much she heard.

“Heeeey, Nini.” Red greeted when Ricky just stood there dumbfounded. He was trying to be normal, chilled…unaffected by her sudden presence, but it wasn’t working out so well judging by the slight tilt of her head.

“You guys okay?” she asked.

“We’re fine!” Ricky squealed. Yeah, his voice wasn’t supposed to get that high. See? This is why he stayed quiet in the first place, because now Nini was looking at his suspiciously, like she knew he had something to hide. 

He cleared his throat and tried again, “We’re fine. Just talking.”

“I see that.” She nodded, “I actually noticed you guys from across the hall. Huddled over here like spies or something. You hiding something?”

“No!” they exclaimed. Voices went high again, and they desperately wished they were better at this.

“O-kay.” She said with raised eyebrows. She was joking, jeez! But now she couldn’t help but think they really were keeping something from her. Maybe Ricky was telling Red about the dinner with his mom or- shit. That’s what it was, wasn’t it. “Listen, if you guys are talking about last night, that’s okay. I mean, I was there so there’s no need for you guys to be all secretive and suspicious-looking.”

Ricky blinked. She was? Oh...he’d almost forgotten about the dumpster fire that was dinner with his mom and her new boyfriend.

“Oh look! There’s Gina.” Red pointed towards the entrance (completely grateful for the distraction: Ricky didn’t look so good) where she was walking and talking with…EJ? (Lovely) while he had his arm draped over her shoulder.

That seemed to snap Ricky out of whatever storm he was caught up in for a second there and he perked up a little. That is until he turned around and saw the scene before them.

Was Gina…laughing? At something EJ said? He glanced at Red for confirmation, who only shrugged. Offering no help whatsoever.

“When did EJ and Gina get so close?” Nini asked out loud what they were all thinking. Well, they _were_ scheming together for a while there, but that was all over with now, right... _right_?

“Oh. What’s up guys?” EJ greeted when he felt eyes shooting daggers at him…one _particular_ pair of eyes to be exact. Gina was still tucked under his arm when they made their way over to the three friends and she offered them a smile- all while subtly trying to escape EJ’s grasp, but the guy had a death grip on her.

To be clear, she didn’t plan this. 

As a matter of fact, she was minding her own business, trying to get her shit together after that confrontation with her mom when EJ popped up like a Jack in the box and blocked her way.

“Why so glum chum?” He asked with a sympathetic frown.

She rolled her eyes, “I’m not your chum.” She said and walked around him. Didn’t get very far though because he turned right around and started following her.

“Well, we were kinda like Bonnie and Clyde for a while there so…” 

“A temporary alliance does not a friendship make, Caswell.” She pointed out and he shrugged unbothered.

Then he grabbed her arm to stop her before she went up the stairs and towards the entrance. She would’ve protested that if she didn’t see concern so out of character for him that it made her heart drop to her stomach. 

“Seriously, Gina. You okay? You’re kind of a mess.”

“Gee thanks.” Her eyes hurt. She also had no doubt that they were red…plus the headache forming wasn’t doing her any favors either.

“Gina.” He pressed.

“I’m fine, okay!” she snapped without meaning to, then rubbed her eyes. She felt kinda bad. EJ didn’t do anything to her (well, other than stand in her way), and she didn’t want to take out her irritation on him. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

He nodded. “I can accept that, but you do realize that you’ve officially given me a challenge for the day.”

“Which is…?”

“To turn that frown upside down.” He said, waving his finger around in front of her face for emphasis apparently, before reaching into his back pocket to pull out his phone. So, great. Of course. She had that to look forward to now…

Ricky shifted uncomfortably, eyeing EJ’s arm (still) around Gina’s shoulders, “W-what were you guys laughing about?” he blurted out, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Oh, EJ was just telling me about how he got cancelled on social media because he decided to air out his dirty laundry on Instagram live.”

“Hey! I just wanted to be honest for once in my life.” He declared in protest.

“You were sharing too much is what you were doing. Nobody needed to know that your lying streak started after stealing candy from your mother’s kitchen. ‘The first taste of crime was too sweet, too liberating’?” she quoted one of the videos he showed her. “Boy please, you were just a kid hyped up on sugar.”

The two of them laughed again. They were the only ones, and once it became apparent that the others weren’t about to join in, they quickly settled into awkward silence.

Gina cleared her throat, “So, what were you guys doing?” 

She couldn’t stand the stillness (even as the world continued outside their little bubble). If they dwelled in it for too long, then she’d see herself back in her kitchen; the soreness of her eyes was already a painful reminder.

“Not much.” Red replied, thankfully, while Ricky watched her. “Mostly waiting…”

“Yeah? Waiting for what?” she asked. Why? Really for any reason to avoid the silence, and Ricky’s eyes on her. Her skin burned under his stare. 

If she didn’t know any better, she’d swear he could see all her secrets.

But she never got an answer when the bell rang abruptly, instead she became acutely aware of their surroundings. Particularly of how their peers suddenly scattered clumsily, trying to avoid trampling each other trying to get to homeroom.

“We better get to class.” Nini announced, while the rest of them nodded in consensus.

“Yep.” EJ said, finally releasing Gina from his grasp so her shoulders could breathe and she smiled at him. 

Gina never thought she’d ever say this (well, technically she wasn’t saying it now either), _but_ she was grateful for EJ. In one of his videos he owned up to being a self-absorbed idiot with an ego problem, then in a complete turn of events decided to make it his responsibility to cheer her up (no questions asked) while embarrassing himself in the process. 

Now, while she wasn’t any kind of expert at reading people, she couldn’t help but come to a different conclusion from his assessment of his own character.

Again, she didn’t tell him any of this, but at least managed a small, “thank you,” that she meant wholeheartedly.

“Anytime, Porter.” He responded. Then he disappeared into the crowd. She hadn’t noticed before, but Red and Nini were gone too, leaving her alone with Ricky.  
(Feet still firmly planted where he was waiting for her.) 

Then he asked, “can I walk you to class?”, and with just the two of them, she didn’t have Red, Nini or EJ to look at anymore, to distract her from his (big beautiful) brown eyes. It was just her and Ricky, and the kiss she could still feel on her cheek all caught up in the shitshow that was her emotions.


End file.
